Ongoing Lists

I decided to update the ongoing lists, because I'm thinking of introducing a new one.  And so I thought I should probably acknowledge that I already have a few...and actually make them ongoing. 

Here are both complete lists, countdown-style, with the new additions in bold.

Failures at the Grocery Store

(I decided the grocery store was too narrow a topic.  Heads-up: this list might one day just be titled "Failures")

4. Streaking


Apparently, I haven't tried on clothes since Carson became mobile.  Recently, in Loft (my favorite clothing store ever), I was preparing to try on a few things and pulled my shirt off over my head just in time to see Carson's leg disappearing beneath the changing room door.  I was just about naked...and she was just about halfway to the car.  Thankfully, I was able to drop to the ground and go-go-gadget my arm out in time to grab her ankle and drag her back. 


Would I have sprinted mostly-nude into a public fitting room in order to capture my run-away kid?  Yes.  Would I (and every single witness) have been scarred for life as a result? Most certainly.

3. The Organic Failure

There I am, rolling through the produce department of the grocery store, with my little Bean sitting sweetly in the cart. She "flirts" with various strangers and stares wide-eyed at all the shapes and colors around her. She loves to crinkle paper--loves the feel and look of it as it changes shape in her hands--so I have given her the grocery list to play with as I grab the last few things that remain on it.

I am secretly, again, smugly patting myself on the back, as I carefully select organic fruits and veggies to be part of my daughter's all-organic, completely homemade diet. I am proud that I have stuck with the organic thing so far, and I'm really enjoying making her food while I have the time this summer. As I carefully place two perfectly pesticide-free, all-natural sweet potatoes in the cart and gaze lovingly at my precious angel, I realize (from the pulpy mush hanging from her lower lip and the tiny scrap of paper clenched between her fingers, reading only ---et potatoes, now) that she has eaten the grocery list.

I wonder if there's a way to find out if that paper was organic.

2. The Reusable Bag Debacle
I have been driving around with these reusable bags in my car, intending to take them into the grocery store to avoid using plastic bags when possible. The problem is, I keep forgetting to actually bring the reusable bags into the store. Der.

So on this day, the planets aligned and God smiled down on me and I was able to have the forethought to bring the bags inside with me. I'm smugly patting myself on the back for saving the planet and whatnot, and I go about my grocery shopping as usual. Being new to the whole mesh bag scene, I apparently didn't have enough reusable bags to contain all of my groceries. Really, I have like 2. So when the baggers ran out of room in these bags, they literally stopped and looked at each other and said, "What do we do now????" Completely dumbfounded. I told them it was okay to use plastic bags for the rest of the groceries (which of course I would bring back and recycle later). So they did.

Upon arriving home, I found that one of the items that didn't fit in a reusable bag was a carton of milk--you know, with a handle. You know, one that probably didn't need to be bagged, since it comes with its very own carrying mechanism. Only, my gallon of milk was DOUBLE BAGGED in plastic bags, virtually annihilating all the good I had done by using my reusable bags.


1. I feel like I should be carrying something....
I'm 8 months pregnant, waddling through the grocery store with my cart. I'm trying to hurry because, really--the grocery store is one of my absolute least favorite places on the planet. Grocery shopping is by far my the chore I hate most. But I digress.

I'm huge, I'm hungry, and I'm trying to quickly select only the things I need to make dinner for the next few nights. Survival is the key word here. I get to the checkout lane and everything goes smoothly--finally, I'm finished! I go to my car, drive home, park, and get my keys out to open the front door. That's when I get this feeling like I'm missing something. Like I left the house with more than I am coming home with--or that I just ran some errands and should be bringing something besides my purse inside the house.

Then it hits me--yes, I left EVERY SINGLE bag of groceries I just purchased sitting at the checkout lane. I paid for them, took my receipt, and walked out without another thought.

Important Things I've Learned as a Mother So Far

6. Children will not notify you when they are tall enough to reach the tops of tables.  They will just start pulling things down off of them.


5. Diaper bags are two-faced biotches.  When you're packing the bag before leaving the house, they are all, "Oh, I can carry everything you need.  I'm like Mary Poppins's bag.  Throw in a lamp if you want!"  And then you zip them up and take them with you.


But when you are are at your destination and leaving, say...a restaurant, because maybe your child is having a meltdown.  And the toys, blankets, books, snacks, and lamp you packed in your diaper bag are making the situation worse instead of better?  Well, then your diaper bag is all, "What's your problem, lady? Why are you trying to fit all that crap in here?  I KNOW you're not trying to close that zipper!" 
And you end up leaving a bread-crumb trail of links, burp cloths, Cheerios, and home lighting equipment back to your table.  Or rather, TOWARD yourself--so everyone in the restaurant can identify the terrible mother with the screaming kid.

4. A child will most likely throw up before/instead of choking to death.  Actually, our friends' baby Judah was kind enough to teach us this lesson while he and his parents were over for dinner this week. Good to know!

3. My colonoscopy was worth every moment in exchange for the glorious nap I got after arriving home. Best sleep I've had since before I was pregnant! Can't wait to do it again next year.


2. A child's drive to prove their parents wrong, generally associated with adolescence, actually begins much earlier in life. Do not EVER claim your son or daughter is a good eater, sleeps through the night, goes down well for naps, or anything similar to these seemingly harmless statements. Your child is listening and will immediately prove you to be completely and painfully incorrect.

1. It is critically important, when your child is shoving his or her hands into their mouth and sucking on nearly everything in sight, to determine the difference between "desire to eat" and "desire to teethe" before attempting to nurse said child.