A Very Good Day

I have hesitated to write about going back to work full-time for several reasons.  One is a struggle to put my feelings about it into words.  Mostly though, I hope Carson will one day read these blog entries I'm writing for/about her, and I don’t want her to misunderstand my reasons or doubts or conflicts about choosing to spend more time at work and less time with her…which would probably happen since I’m having trouble putting it into words correctly.

But I’m ready to try.

Being a teacher, I get to experience a bit of both the stay-at-home mom world AND the working parent world.  In the summer, I have 8 glorious weeks without a job (but with a paycheck), during which I feel like a SAHM.  This time is amazing, super-duper especially since I had Carson. 

Then, during the school year, I’m working like most other parents out there. My inner struggle is this:  on one hand, I fully believe that my being home with Carson more (not all the time but more of the time) is 100% the best thing for her right now, at her age.  There are so few years we have with them at home before they are in school all day, every day. So little time to lay the important foundations which will guide their future decisions.  Therefore, every morning when I go to work, I feel like I am consciously choosing to do something that I don’t believe is best for Carson.  

On the other hand, we are trying to plan for Carson’s future.  We are not convinced that where we live now is the best place for Carson to grow up.  So one day, we will need to sell our house and buy a house somewhere else…which requires money…which requires me to work so that we are adding to our savings, rather than taking from it.  

So how do I weigh those two things?  How do I decide which is more important—Carson’s future education/classmates/community OR the here-and-now, day-to-day experiences she has? (By the way, this is not a rhetorical question. If you know, please, for the love of God, tell me!)  

Up until this school year, I have worked part-time at most since becoming a mother. Now that I’m working full time again, honestly….it’s hard.

Part-time was a perfect balance for me.  You see, I love my job.  I enjoy my students.  I selfishly need that feeling of contributing to society and to our family’s financial standing.  It’s who I am, and I suspect it will one day be part of who Carson is as well.  Her dad is an incredibly hard worker who enjoys his job too.  

Anyway, part-time work gave me the chance to contribute in the ways I needed to, to get out and be among grown-ups (which makes me a better mom for Carson and wife for Brandon), and to talk about things other than bowel movements and sleep habits (Carson’s, not mine).   But working part-time, I also got the bonus of having some extra days at home with her.  Days to watch her grow and learn, to begin to teach her the values we want her to have, to take her on adventures to play with other kids, to see new places, to watch her learn to manipulate blocks, puzzle pieces, and the strings of my heart.  Weekends and evenings just aren’t enough time to do this.  

Granted, being a stay at home parent (or working part time) is difficult.  Sometimes you’d consider doing things you never would have before, just for the chance to hang out with other adults who aren’t part of a play group (i.e. joining AA or passing out samples from your pantry in the local grocery store), or to have a reason to dress like a grown-up, in real live pants and shirts that have buttons and/or collars.  

Staying at home, you spend a lot of time concerned about your child’s needs:  Are they being fully nurtured for their personality type? Are they learning to play with others in a healthy way?  Are they really getting our value system through my words AND my actions?  Are they getting enough one-on-one time with their parents and other family members who we want to help shape them?  Are they pooping enough?

And also you worry about your home—is it as clean as it should be, considering I’m here all the time?  (no, it is not)  Is there a more efficient way to file our bills and important paperwork for future reference?  (almost definitely)  Is our pet a productive part of our lives and am I teaching my child to respect him/her?  (hmmm, probably not...on both counts…)  Are we participating in and contributing to our community as a family? (some days, I’m not even sure what that would look like).  

So I want to be clear—I am not claiming that being home full-time is easy.  Every life and lifestyle has its challenges.   HOWEVER…what I’m finding this holiday season is that all of those worries that I worry about when I’m at home—I would LOVE to worry about them again.  I feel so guilty that my mind is full of other worries now—worries about her care takers, packing her lunch and snacks every. Single. Day.  Enough diapers and wipes at her second homes?  Dinner planned out, purchased, and prepped for the week that’s healthy, quick to make, dairy- and egg-free?   

And that’s not to mention the worries that come with any job.  Those that are particular to my own involve teaching adolescents (who are by nature ornery, self-conscious, tormented, and dejected) in a part of town where they are faced with their own grown-up worries daily (including raising their own children, their parents being deported to other countries, living out of their cars, and being recruited by gangs).   There is just so little brain left over to worry about Carson’s every move, mood, and stool.  And I hate that.  

I work because I enjoy my job, and I believe that is something important we can teach Carson—the value of choosing work you love.  While I am struggling inwardly about being away from her, I am always sure on the outside to convey that I enjoy my work.  Because I truly do.  My parents always told me I could choose any career as long as I was happy.  Their only expectation was that my work fulfilled me. And mine does.   

I work because I want to provide a safe and productive environment for Carson as she grows up.  Money is not everything; I know that for sure.  But money can help.  Money is necessary at some level to get through life.  

This year is hard, because someone else is taking care of a lot of the things I want to worry about (not the worst complaint to have--I also realize our lives are tremendously blessed and that my very worst day will never really be that bad).  We’re trusting other people to teach Carson our values and how the world works.  We’re trusting that the day care lady will remember to check the box for “poop” if she poops. 

Letting go of so many things at once is simply not the way my personality normally works. And maybe that's just one more way Carson is helping me become a better person.  

During my holiday breaks from work this year (a total perk of teaching), I am finding there is so much other catching up to do—buying and wrapping gifts, cleaning the house well, cooking some meals we can freeze for those rushed evenings after work, laundry and packing for going out of town for Christmas, etc. etc. etc.  It has been hard to carve out time to just. Be. Still.  And to be still with Carson and enjoy those simple things I do during the ‘stay at home mom’ portion of my year.    

So last week, Carson and I  were able to have a full day to just BE.  Carson got to spend time at her home, to play with whatever toys she wanted and not have to share for a day, to guide her own schedule. And I had a day at home that didn't involve trying to do 40 other things while entertaining Carson.  We had a day where the only thing on our to do list was "play." Because, on weekends, that is our mini-catch-up time—errands, time with friends and family, straightening.  Weekends are not always the breaks they should be.  And her weekdays are filled with other children (for whom we are very grateful) and guided by our workday schedules.  

So the other day.  It was a really good day.  Here’s the list for this post, a sample of our Wednesday.

Breakfast
Play dough

Play with gingerbread men
Finger painting
Bathing due to above
Tea party with distinguished guests

Building towers
Daddy home for lunch
Play dough again—learn to make little balls
Nap
Cooking—zucchini bread and soup

High tea—sample the zucchini bread
Daddy home
Puzzles
Tickling
Dinner
Running around the house
Sleep  


Perfection.


And because I posted a link on Facebook for the first time...if you're new here, here are a few of my favorite past posts so you can decide if you want to stick around :)

This Must Be What Pinnocchio Felt Like When He Became a Real Boy

A Tale of Two Shitties

Rock & Roll

Does Not Play Well with Others

Ongoing Lists