Dishes piled high in the kitchen sink
So much clutter I can barely think
Mountains of laundry to dry and to fold
Food to be cooked before it's too old
Dog hair tumbleweeds drift 'cross the floor
Lists of things that we need at the store
Mail I should open, bills to be paid
Toilets to scrub and beds to be made
Baby book updates so we don't forget
I could do all of this, but then I'd regret
Missing these moments just staring at you,
Watching you sleep and hearing you coo
I go back to work in just a short while
It pains me to miss even one of your smiles
You'll be in good hands while I am away
But they will not be mine, so I cherish each day
That falls in between this moment and then
As I choose a side in this battle within
I resolve to take these minutes and stare
At the lines of your face, the swirl of your hair
To watch as your hands open and close
Kiss every finger and all of your toes
To let my heart sing at your joyful cries
And memorize each tiny speck in your eyes
To meet their gaze and try to convey
All of the things my words cannot say
New people and places will be good for us both--
Important for our well-being and growth
But let's not waste time by looking ahead
And savor the seconds we share here instead.
Rocking you gently is my work for today,
Reassuring us both that it will be okay
I apologize for the vulgar nature of the title, but it was a vulgar night. Here's how it went down one night last week:
10:00 pm--Carson eats
10:30 pm--Carson sleeps
1:00 am--Carson eats again (so much for those 6-hour stretches I was bragging about)
1:30 am--Carson sleeps
4:00 am--Carson eats again--I'm feeding her in our bed
4:05 am--our dog Kaila comes and lays down in our room. Not unusual at all.
4:06 am--our dog Kaila gets up and leaves our room. Unusual, because she is old and it's pretty hard for her to get up and down.
4:06 am--I spot the trail of shit Kaila is leaving behind her as she exits our room.
4:06:30 am--I wake Brandon up and inform him of the recent events taking place in our bedroom. Brandon cleans up Kaila's mess.
4:30 am--Carson is done eating, I put her back in her bassinet (yes, she still sleeps in our room) and attempt to sleep
4:45 am--I hear strange noises coming from Carson's bed. She needs a diaper change (although I'm not going to lie--for a moment, I seriously considered trying to wait 2 hours until she needed to eat again. Good thing I didn't). I take Carson to her room to change her.
4:46 am--I realize Carson's bowels have basically exploded on her. This had never happened before, but it has happened several times since. However, the first time you open your child's pajamas to see them coated--literally from head to toe--in shit, it can take your breath away. Some days I am surprised by the new things I learn as a parent.
She had poop in places that were truly shocking--her armpits? inside her little clenched fists (how did it get in there)? between her tiny sweet toes? I didn't even know where to begin with the clean-up, as it seemed every move I made would only spread the excrement further--on her, her changing table, her bedroom, me.....I considered calling the doctor to ask them what to do, becuase truly, doesn't such a heinous incident warrant a call to a professional???--and then I reminded myself it was 5am and a call to the pediatrician regarding fecal contamination of my child's diaper was probably a little bit dramatic.
5:00 am--I take a deep breath, strip her down, and give her a pre-dawn bath. She's such a sweetheart, she never even cries.
5:15 am--we're back in bed, trying to forget it ever happened
5:30 am--Brandon wakes up to pee and wonders to himself why Carson's bathtub looks like it has been used in the time since we all went to bed. I hear him get up. I'm sure he's wondering. I'm too exhausted to explain. I'll fill him in in the morning.
About 5 years ago, Brandon and I decided to get a new dog to be a friend to the one he already had. So she would stop eating the doors in the house. But that's another whole post altogether.
What I want to talk about is the new dog we got. We both wanted a smart dog, because--let's face it--stupid dogs are a big pain in the ass, only they're too dumb to know, care, or fix the problem. Growing up, we'd both had dogs that were mutts but had border collie in them--and we had liked these dogs. I had fun dreaming of all the things we could teach such a smart dog, and since the dog we already had was "Brandon's" I got to pick our new dog. And I wanted a border collie.
A few things you should know about border collies if you don't already:
1. They are supposedly the smartest breed of dog there is.
2. They are herding dogs, mostly used for sheep.
3. They need to have a "job". If you do not give them one, they will come up with one you probably won't like.
4. They aim to please--they are very people-focused and the reason they're able to do so much cool stuff is that they want to do what you want them to do.
5. We probably shouldn't have gotten one.
Don't misunderstand me--we LOVE our dog Moe. We really do.
For one thing, he knows all kinds of cool tricks:
-the standards like sit, shake, roll over
-if you ask him, "Where's Santa?" he looks up the chimney.
-if you tell him to "be sneaky" he will crawl along the ground (although, to be honest, he couldn't sneak up on anyone)
-he listens for all kinds of words and we often find ourselves spelling 'ball' or 'play' or 'toy' around him
-he brings us his bowl when he's hungry
-and my personal favorite--if you sneeze, he will bring you a kleenex. No lie. Granted, you probably wouldn't want to use the kleenex he brings you, but you could.
Another great thing about Moe is he's amazing at agility. I have taken him to agility classes during the summer when I'm off of work--and he's a superstar. His main challenge is me--I don't learn how to lead him through the course as fast as he learns to run it. Here he is a few years ago being run by someone who knows what she's doing. He has gotten even better since this:
In addition, Moe is a loving dog. He follows us everywhere, LOVES to cuddle, will chase a ball to the ends of the earth to bring it back and place it directly into your hand so you can throw it again, and always wants to be as close as possible to us....
Navigating
Moe, meet Carson
Okay, so now I'll get to the point. Brandon and I have come to realize that, while we love Moe and he is a great pet, we probably should have thought it through a bit more before getting a border collie. The fact is, Brandon and I are just too lazy to give this dog everything he needs. He needs way more exercise and he's not the kind of dog that can entertain himself. Because he's so people-focused, nothing is fun unless we're involved. The poor thing sometimes just runs circles around the den.
The other day, I got another example of why Moe would be better off on a sheep farm. While I was making my oatmeal in the kitchen, he started herding Carson. Who doesn't go anywhere. In the video below, you will see Carson laying in her swing, staring at the ceiling. You will see Moe herding her (and the couch and the coffee table). (You will also see lots of clutter in our house. Pay no attention to that.) He did this for about 20 minutes this morning. At one point, he seems to feel she was getting out of line and gives her a gentle bark to get her to shape up. And this is now a morning routine--Carson swings. Moe herds.
Poor dog. Poor Carson too, because the very first chore she's going to learn? How to throw a ball.
So, good news--Carson no longer has to eat every 3 hours all day and all night. Several nights lately, she has gone 5 to 6 hours between feedings (which usually gives me 4-5 hours of sleep--in a row!). This has had a life-changing effect on me in many ways:
The majority of the sentences I start now get finished.
If I cried today, I would probably know why and it would be for a logical reason. Probably.
When I come home from the store & unload groceries--I recognize all the items I brought home and remember putting them in the cart (let's just say there was a time when you'd have thought I was stockpiling black eyed peas for the apocalypse). Granted, it's possible that I might occasionally still leave groceries AT the grocery store (i.e. the toilet paper I bought on Monday). Baby steps.
Brandon and I don't have this conversation on a daily basis:
Bean 1: (makes some sort of comment or statement)
Bean 2: What? That doesn't make sense to me.
Bean 1: (repeats statement)
Bean 2: Huh?
Bean 1: (Attempts to repeat statement) Nevermind. I forget what I was trying to say.
I have dreams again! Which I am clearly not used to. I'll turn to Brandon and say something like, "Remember when we were outside the other day? And you were chopping down that tree with your bare hands? And then that squirrel came up and started talking to us about........Wait."
I can't wait to see what happens when she sleeps through the night. For now, I can only dream of days when I remember to look in the mirror before leaving the house, put BOTH earrings in on a consistent basis, or can effectively multitask again.
So Carson has a cousin named Patrick (a.k.a. "Patch" or "Pat-Pat," which is what he calls himself). Patrick is a lot of things:
a genius
hilarious
curious
sweet
a wonderful cousin
a TOTAL cutie, exhibit A:
Patrick has been very interested in Carson since she was born, and he started off calling her "Tiny Baby Carson." He has since shortened this to just plain "Tiny," which is what he calls her these days.
Here is when they first met:
While we were hanging out with Patrick and the rest of my family this weekend, we caught this video of him interacting with Carson while his mom Angie holds her. You should know a few things before watching this:
Angie and my brother Toby are expecting a baby girl named Madelyn in about 6 weeks.
Patrick was the only grandchild for almost a year and a half before Carson came on the scene.
At times, Patrick has struggled with people in the family holding Carson when he's pretty sure they should be holding or playing with him. He usually expresses this with a simple, "Move," directed at Carson and a gentle nudge in the direction he'd like her to do so--or occasionally with a big ol' dramatic FLOP on the floor. Poor guy--it must be so puzzling.
Carson is equally confused by Patrick's existence. At one point in the video, she seems to play dead as a method of self-preservation.
Toby and Angie have handled it all with saint-like patience. Truly. They should be given a medal for working with Patrick's confusion and--well, let's call it what it is--jealousy with such calm and tender hearts. I know I would be thinking, "Holy crap. What are we going to do when there is ALWAYS another baby around???" as I moved slowly into full-on panic. But they remain gentle and unruffled.
We're not sure why Patrick doesn't want "Tiny" to have the pacifier, but he is dead-set in his decision. And beyond that, all he wants to do is hug her.
We're so excited to watch Patrick, Carson, and Madelyn grow up together. They are bound to have some grand adventures!
So we took Carson for her one-month doctor appointment on Monday, and it was great. A few things surprised me about the visit:
1. I was, like, first-day-of-school excited before we went.
Back when you used to get excited about going to school, of course.
2. There was practically no wait AND we didn't feel rushed with the doctor. Usually, when there's no wait, it's because the doctor doesn't take time with their patients. You end up feeling rushed, I forget to ask all my questions, and leave there feeling very unsatisfied. Not the case here. Excellent!
3. They stopped just short of calling Carson a fat-ass. She has gained about 2 1/2 pounds since birth and now weighs almost 9 pounds! What a champ!
Unfortunately, this is one of the very few times in a girl's life when the whole world thinks her gaining weight is wonderful and exciting--so we plan to let her enjoy it!
Especially since it will be at least 40 years until the next time people are this excited about her gaining weight--pregnancy.
4. This one did not surprise me--Carson has acid reflux. That explains all the grunting and squeaking we have found to be so cute about her. And also all the puking.
5. The sense of accomplishment Brandon and I had when we left the office hit me out of left field. We felt so proud!
I think this is why: we've been working our asses off for a month now on this precious little angel who suddenly lives with us. About a thousand times a day, we second-guess our decisions or wonder what the "right" thing to do in any given situation is....
....She's crying--do we pick her up, let her fuss--for how long? Are her clothes warm enough? too warm? It has been 3 hours since she ate--do we wake her up? let her sleep? Should we use diaper cream every time we change her? only when she's red? She's awake--is it okay to leave her in her crib with something fun to look at or should we be talking to her? Cloth or disposable? Formula or breast? Nanny or day care? Boxers or briefs?....
That covers about 5 minutes of the day.
And then of course, there's the whole not sleeping, not showering, trying to find time to eat thing.
And then there's all the picture-sharing and update-giving we're expected to do with friends and family. Which--don't get me wrong--is part of the job of a parent, and we love to show her off. But it can take up a pretty good chunk of the day if we actually respond to all requests and try to make sure everyone has the latest info. (which is kind of the purpose of this blog--do it once, tell everyone where it is, and we're done)
So anyway, we've done all this hard work--which of course we do because we love her, but let's not pretend it's easy. And then we go to the doctor--to this guru who, in our minds, is the one person who can tell us if we're doing it "right." She knows it all. She can accurately evaluate our child's status, development, health, growth, etc.
And she basically gave us a gold star.
Hallelujah! It hasn't all been pointless or wrong. At least a few of those thousand decisions a day have been correct enough to get a doctor to say she's doing great.
Hence the feeling of accomplishment, the self-directed pat on the back, and the pride we feel in our daughter too--because it has been a big month for her as well.
Lastly, here's a picture of her getting ready to see the doctor--caught her in a smile!
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