Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

I was never a girl who was super-duper-BFFs with her mom.  My mom and I are great friends now, but from a very young age, I tried to separate myself from her.  I'm not sure when it started, exactly. It could have been when my mom and I were at the mall and I tried to pretend I was there by myself.  I made her walk 10 feet behind me and pretended we just happened to run into each other at the Food Court. 

I was 3. 

Or maybe it was when I was 4 and informed my mother I felt I was ready for my own apartment. 

Whenever it began, I spent a lot of my youth struggling desperately to be independent.  I wasn't smothered or suffocated as a child.  Apparently, it's just part of who I am.

But even though I pretended I wasn't listening, my mom still managed to teach me a lot.  Now that I am a mom myself, I realize a little bit each day how much I actually learned from her.  Here are a few things she taught me about that I hope to pass on to Carson:


Unconditional Love
We never said, "I love you," much in my family when I was growing up.  However, I never for a second felt anything but completely and unconditionally loved.  I never really heard my parents say it to each other--yet I never for a second thought my parents might get divorced.  Somehow, my mom (and dad) managed to teach me what unconditional love is without having to say a word. 
I want Carson to feel that way--always sure of our love for her, our love for each other.  I want her to know there is nothing she could say or do that could erase or replace our feelings for her.  Even when she's a teenager yelling, "I HATE YOU!" she should know that I still love her.  And (not that I have any previous experience with a situation like that) I will quietly remind myself that she still loves me too.

Beauty
Basically, the general message my mom gave me about beauty was that I was beautiful.  While, with age and life experience, this valuable message gets muddled, confused, and sometimes even lost, I think it is imperative for mothers to convey it to their daughters.  My mom also helped shape my definition of beauty.  Never once was I informed, "Katie, boys won't like that."  My mom taught me that feeling good about how you look and who you are should never come from someone else.  Nothing should ever be done in order for a man to find me more attractive--that's just not what self-worth is about. 
I want Carson to know her beauty from the moment she is able to understand the word.  I want her to appreciate the specific things about herself that are truly gorgeous--right now, my favorites are her eyes and her knock-out smile.  I suspect they might always be.  I want her to know she doesn't need makeup to make her prettier, because she is gorgeous as she is.  I want her definition of her own style and charm to come from herself and for her to always be confident--not in a cocky way, but in a way that helps her not to question herself.   I want her to see herself through my eyes, because then she would never for a moment doubt her own beauty.

Marriage
There are two main things my mom (and dad) taught me about marriage:  1. marry your best friend, and  2. your spouse is your partner in everything.  Number one is fairly self-explanatory and is commonly-issued advice.  I'm glad I took it, and I hope that my friendship with Brandon, like my parents' friendship with each other, will speak for itself to Carson as to why this is important to do. 
Number two is something I'm not sure my mom ever said out-right to me, but it was definitely demonstrated on a daily basis.  My parents were always a united front.  When issuing discipline, one never overruled the other.  When approaching family problems, one never questioned the other (at least not in front of us).  They were a team in every way--from day-to-day tasks like getting dinner on the table to the big stuff like dealing with the death of my dad's parents.  No issue, big or small, failure or triumph, belonged more to one of them than the other.  My parents' marriage was an amazing example for us--and continues to be.  I hope Brandon and I are up to the task of teaching Carson by example too.
Being Myself
"If pumping gas is what makes you happy in life, then that's what I want you to do."  I can't tell you how many times I heard this from my mom growing up.  Actually, maybe it was only a few but it was so important to me that it stuck in my consciousness continually.  Having this knowledge tucked away in my mind padded any fall I had--it was a big fat trampoline that allowed me to try (and maybe fail) at anything because I knew I had to find what brought me joy.  I could study any subject, train for any position, work toward any career and, without a doubt, my parents would be okay with it.  I never received any pressure to join a certain club or try a certain profession.  No matter what I thought I might want to do with my life, I was never once told, "You know, you won't make much money at that."  And in that way, I was taught what to value.  I learned that success is measured not in wealth or houses or appearances but in how full your life is with people, laughter, and feeling good about yourself at the end of the day.  Let's be honest, my mom probably always knew I was going to be a teacher.  My favorite thing has always been bossing people around.  And in what other job can you do that all day long, and they HAVE to do what you say? (unlike brothers when playing school, who unfortunately had the option NOT to do what I told them.  What a rip-off!)  However, had I chosen to be a doctor or a social worker or even a gas station attendant, my mom would have been completely satisfied as long as I was. 
I hope to teach Carson that very same thing (although I might have to find a different example than pumping gas as a job, since no one really has that job anymore).  I hope she knows that whoever she is, whatever she does--her contentment and her fulfillment are the key to mine.
Knowing Who I Am
My mom knows me better than anyone.  She always has, even during times when I didn't want to be known and tried so hard to be someone else.  Maybe it's the growing of a person inside you that allows a mother to know her child so well.  Or maybe it's the way that child takes over your entire brain if you're their mom--a new lens through which to view every single thing in the world.  However it happens, my mother knows my moods, tendencies, and emotions, often more readily than I do.  She knew how I'd respond to being a wife, a new mother, to my Crohn's disease flaring up in my 20's.  I think there were times growing up where this scared or bothered me. I wondered if I could ever truly be my own person, when there was someone in this world who knew me so deeply and completely. 
Turns out, her knowing me, loving me, and allowing me to be myself is exactly what has helped me to become my own person.

So thanks Mom, for being such an amazing mother.  I want to be the same for Carson, and she is so blessed to have you nearby to fill in the pieces I miss.