A Very Good Day

I have hesitated to write about going back to work full-time for several reasons.  One is a struggle to put my feelings about it into words.  Mostly though, I hope Carson will one day read these blog entries I'm writing for/about her, and I don’t want her to misunderstand my reasons or doubts or conflicts about choosing to spend more time at work and less time with her…which would probably happen since I’m having trouble putting it into words correctly.

But I’m ready to try.

Being a teacher, I get to experience a bit of both the stay-at-home mom world AND the working parent world.  In the summer, I have 8 glorious weeks without a job (but with a paycheck), during which I feel like a SAHM.  This time is amazing, super-duper especially since I had Carson. 

Then, during the school year, I’m working like most other parents out there. My inner struggle is this:  on one hand, I fully believe that my being home with Carson more (not all the time but more of the time) is 100% the best thing for her right now, at her age.  There are so few years we have with them at home before they are in school all day, every day. So little time to lay the important foundations which will guide their future decisions.  Therefore, every morning when I go to work, I feel like I am consciously choosing to do something that I don’t believe is best for Carson.  

On the other hand, we are trying to plan for Carson’s future.  We are not convinced that where we live now is the best place for Carson to grow up.  So one day, we will need to sell our house and buy a house somewhere else…which requires money…which requires me to work so that we are adding to our savings, rather than taking from it.  

So how do I weigh those two things?  How do I decide which is more important—Carson’s future education/classmates/community OR the here-and-now, day-to-day experiences she has? (By the way, this is not a rhetorical question. If you know, please, for the love of God, tell me!)  

Up until this school year, I have worked part-time at most since becoming a mother. Now that I’m working full time again, honestly….it’s hard.

Part-time was a perfect balance for me.  You see, I love my job.  I enjoy my students.  I selfishly need that feeling of contributing to society and to our family’s financial standing.  It’s who I am, and I suspect it will one day be part of who Carson is as well.  Her dad is an incredibly hard worker who enjoys his job too.  

Anyway, part-time work gave me the chance to contribute in the ways I needed to, to get out and be among grown-ups (which makes me a better mom for Carson and wife for Brandon), and to talk about things other than bowel movements and sleep habits (Carson’s, not mine).   But working part-time, I also got the bonus of having some extra days at home with her.  Days to watch her grow and learn, to begin to teach her the values we want her to have, to take her on adventures to play with other kids, to see new places, to watch her learn to manipulate blocks, puzzle pieces, and the strings of my heart.  Weekends and evenings just aren’t enough time to do this.  

Granted, being a stay at home parent (or working part time) is difficult.  Sometimes you’d consider doing things you never would have before, just for the chance to hang out with other adults who aren’t part of a play group (i.e. joining AA or passing out samples from your pantry in the local grocery store), or to have a reason to dress like a grown-up, in real live pants and shirts that have buttons and/or collars.  

Staying at home, you spend a lot of time concerned about your child’s needs:  Are they being fully nurtured for their personality type? Are they learning to play with others in a healthy way?  Are they really getting our value system through my words AND my actions?  Are they getting enough one-on-one time with their parents and other family members who we want to help shape them?  Are they pooping enough?

And also you worry about your home—is it as clean as it should be, considering I’m here all the time?  (no, it is not)  Is there a more efficient way to file our bills and important paperwork for future reference?  (almost definitely)  Is our pet a productive part of our lives and am I teaching my child to respect him/her?  (hmmm, probably not...on both counts…)  Are we participating in and contributing to our community as a family? (some days, I’m not even sure what that would look like).  

So I want to be clear—I am not claiming that being home full-time is easy.  Every life and lifestyle has its challenges.   HOWEVER…what I’m finding this holiday season is that all of those worries that I worry about when I’m at home—I would LOVE to worry about them again.  I feel so guilty that my mind is full of other worries now—worries about her care takers, packing her lunch and snacks every. Single. Day.  Enough diapers and wipes at her second homes?  Dinner planned out, purchased, and prepped for the week that’s healthy, quick to make, dairy- and egg-free?   

And that’s not to mention the worries that come with any job.  Those that are particular to my own involve teaching adolescents (who are by nature ornery, self-conscious, tormented, and dejected) in a part of town where they are faced with their own grown-up worries daily (including raising their own children, their parents being deported to other countries, living out of their cars, and being recruited by gangs).   There is just so little brain left over to worry about Carson’s every move, mood, and stool.  And I hate that.  

I work because I enjoy my job, and I believe that is something important we can teach Carson—the value of choosing work you love.  While I am struggling inwardly about being away from her, I am always sure on the outside to convey that I enjoy my work.  Because I truly do.  My parents always told me I could choose any career as long as I was happy.  Their only expectation was that my work fulfilled me. And mine does.   

I work because I want to provide a safe and productive environment for Carson as she grows up.  Money is not everything; I know that for sure.  But money can help.  Money is necessary at some level to get through life.  

This year is hard, because someone else is taking care of a lot of the things I want to worry about (not the worst complaint to have--I also realize our lives are tremendously blessed and that my very worst day will never really be that bad).  We’re trusting other people to teach Carson our values and how the world works.  We’re trusting that the day care lady will remember to check the box for “poop” if she poops. 

Letting go of so many things at once is simply not the way my personality normally works. And maybe that's just one more way Carson is helping me become a better person.  

During my holiday breaks from work this year (a total perk of teaching), I am finding there is so much other catching up to do—buying and wrapping gifts, cleaning the house well, cooking some meals we can freeze for those rushed evenings after work, laundry and packing for going out of town for Christmas, etc. etc. etc.  It has been hard to carve out time to just. Be. Still.  And to be still with Carson and enjoy those simple things I do during the ‘stay at home mom’ portion of my year.    

So last week, Carson and I  were able to have a full day to just BE.  Carson got to spend time at her home, to play with whatever toys she wanted and not have to share for a day, to guide her own schedule. And I had a day at home that didn't involve trying to do 40 other things while entertaining Carson.  We had a day where the only thing on our to do list was "play." Because, on weekends, that is our mini-catch-up time—errands, time with friends and family, straightening.  Weekends are not always the breaks they should be.  And her weekdays are filled with other children (for whom we are very grateful) and guided by our workday schedules.  

So the other day.  It was a really good day.  Here’s the list for this post, a sample of our Wednesday.

Breakfast
Play dough

Play with gingerbread men
Finger painting
Bathing due to above
Tea party with distinguished guests

Building towers
Daddy home for lunch
Play dough again—learn to make little balls
Nap
Cooking—zucchini bread and soup

High tea—sample the zucchini bread
Daddy home
Puzzles
Tickling
Dinner
Running around the house
Sleep  


Perfection.


And because I posted a link on Facebook for the first time...if you're new here, here are a few of my favorite past posts so you can decide if you want to stick around :)

This Must Be What Pinnocchio Felt Like When He Became a Real Boy

A Tale of Two Shitties

Rock & Roll

Does Not Play Well with Others

Ongoing Lists

Celebrate!

We were fortunate to get to celebrate Carson's 2nd birthday a few different ways this year.

First, we had a party for her the weekend after Thanksgiving.  It was a cooking-themed party, because C loves to help me in the kitchen and pretend to cook in her kitchen.  She'd cook the whole meal herself if she could (which I'm kind of looking forward to  :)  ).  And we figured that the theme would give us a few fun activities to do with her buddies while they were there, such as....

1. Apron-making

2. Placemat-making

3. "Twisted Hot Dog" cooking

Seriously, watching the kids at her party was ridiculously fun.  I remember standing in the dining room thinking, "This is the most fun I've had in such a long time!"  (please don't judge my social life)

They were just so cute and busy and curious, and sometimes activites with a little direction but not strict rules seem to bring out kids' true personalities.  It was fascinating to watch some kids do neat, organized paintings, while others dove right in and got messy fast.  Still others hung back, waiting for more direction before starting--and a few ignored the crafts completely and just ran around.  All of which was totally okay and completely hilarious.
Our friends and family were overly generous, just as they are every day with Carson.  Thank you to my parents, my sister Anna, and my brother Tom for coming over in the days leading up to the party to help get the house ready.*  And Brandon's mom might clean our house more often than I do--so thank you to her for all the after-party help.  We couldn't do much of anything without you all!

*This needs its own post, but our laundry room had no floors, walls, ceiling...plumbing...just a few days before we had this shindig. 


Later that week, Brandon and I were both able to take off of work on Carson's actual birthday.  Continuing with our goal of taking her somewhere new each year, we spent the day at the aquarium in Atlanta. 

C seemed to love it all, but these were her favorites:

1. Otters

2. Whales

3. Seahorses (for some reason, she has always had a strong interest in seahorses)

4. all kinds of fish

Her neck got quite a workout. 

And I think it's safe to say she had a good time.

 I know we did.

After the aquarium, we stopped by The Varsity in Atlanta for some hot dogs.  Then we went home for a nap and watched a Christmas parade in Monroe (which Gram just so happened to be in).

I'll briefly mention here that C was about 19 years early on the whole "ending your birthday puking" thing, and we spent the next week living in barfs-ville, population: 1

However, the day itself was so amazing--we were thankful to get to spend it as a family.  Happy birthday, C!

 And here are some more pictures.....

Happy 2nd Birthday Carson!

Like all parents who reach this milestone, we can't believe we have a two-year-old.  We also can't believe how amazing the one we have is.

Here are a few of the things we know about our daughter Carson:
*She is smart about a lot of things, including her emotions (which she not only recognizes but puts into words these days and is also learning to regulate), her academic-y stuff like shapes, words, colors, & numbers, and her surroundings. She is very aware of where she is, and it appears she might have (hopefully) gotten her daddy's sense of direction. She'll recognize we're getting close to home after a long car ride when we are still a few miles away from the house.

*She is very tender-hearted and compassionate. Her emotions lie just beneath the surface, her feelings are easy to hurt, and generally the only discipline needed is a stern look or walking away from her before she is a puddle on the floor, begging to do what you asked her to do. She is more upset by Lila being in time out crying than she is when she receives time out herself. She cares for her babies and comforts them as if they were real people. And she works so hard to make them "feel better". If a child is crying in a store, she becomes visibly upset and worried about him or her. She frequently asks Brandon and I, "How you doing, Beans?"

*She's fairly girly in a lot of ways--and yet so not in others.  She would definitely rather watch Daddy wash the car than help him do it.  She runs like a muppet or like she's drying her nails--hands up, wrists floppy (but man, she is so freaking cute when she runs!).  Finger painting is okay, but once it gets to a certain mess level, she is finished.  

And yet, she could care less about tutus and dressing up.  She'll do it if Lila's doing it, but Jana says she never initiates or really cares if she has one on.  She loves her baby dolls (those are her favorite toys these days) but she also loves to play with cars and trucks.  Overall though, we're pretty sure we have a (wonderful) priss on our hands ; )

 

*She has an independent streak, leading Brandon to call her "Katie Jr."  At a friend's pool this summer, she was going back & forth between the big and little pools.  I, of course, was accompanying her.  On one trip back to the baby pool, as I walked closely behind her, she suddenly stood still, held her hand up in the universal sign for "stop", and said, "No!  Carson in the little pool. Mommy in the big pool."  18 months old.

*She is hilarious. She already seems to have a good sense of humor and to realize what makes other people laugh. Sometimes it's just being goofy and saying silly words, like repeating the word 'avocado' over and over until we all giggle. Sometimes it's singing or dancing a certain way. And sometimes, all it takes is a funny look.

*She has a song in her heart.  I am fairly certain she is always singing inside her head, because she often bursts out into song midway through a particular verse, like she had already begun singing it silently.  She meshes songs together (there is a Wheels on the Bus/Old McDonald mash-up that I have got to write about) and will sing anywhere, anytime, for long periods of time.


*The girl loves homemade breads, soup and noodles (not at the same time though.  Gross).  This is awesome, because I can sneak just about anything into bread, soup or pasta sauce.  Seriously, I can use those 3 foods to cover any part of the food pyramid with a fair amount of diversity.  Well, except dairy b/c she can't eat that at all.  She also thoroughly enjoys bananas, strawberries, and lemons. 

*She is beautiful. Inside and out. Her smile is and has always been huge, sincere, and infectious. When she is happy, her entire face shows it. Her eyes are so expressive and gorgeous and can speak so clearly without her saying a word. Her hair has perfect curls and color.

*She makes me a better person. She teaches me about being more patient, more clear, more loving, and more generous. She is teaching me how to be a mother, a better wife, and a better friend.

*She is amazing and fills our hearts with such joy and peace every single day. We cannot believe it has already been two years, and yet at the same time we cannot imagine our lives before she was in them. It feels like she has always been such an important part of our family.

We love you Carson!  We thank God for you daily and pray for the continued blessing to enrich and guide you as you continue becoming the incredible little girl He made you to be.

Haircuts, Halloween, and Hilarity

Since Thanksgiving just passed.......I figure I should post about Halloween.

Here are a few things from our October:

*Carson got her first haircut!  Much to Brandon's dismay, C's locks were lopped in early October.  It wasn't that I wanted her hair to be shorter, just a bit neater.  She's coming up (quickly) on two years old, and I just felt it was time.  Although I adore her hair on a daily basis, the ends were a little wispy and her layers were a bit uneven, etc.

Carson and Lila went for their first clip together, which was perfect.  Due to both of their personality quirks, we decided Carson would go first, then Lila. 

Thankfully, Carson didn't get upset about it at all, and when it was Lila's turn, she did great too! And we would highly recommend Salon Red Kids in downtown Decatur--they did a GREAT job with the girls.


As usual, Carson's face showed exactly what she was thinking....

But she ended up totally satisfied with the experience

*At the end of the month was, of course, Halloween.  First, we carved our pumpkin, which Carson basically thought was disgusting. 

BUT she really enjoyed watching the process

And the pumpkin turned out cute!

And then there was dress-up time.  Brandon and I have tried to savor these few years we have of forcing her into the costumes of our choosing.  We figure next year, she will probably have an opinion about what she'd like to be.  So she was a pirate this year, because we thought it would be super duper cute.  And in my opinion, we were pretty right.

We also enjoy forcing pets to be part of the festivities, so Moe was a perfect first mate for Captain Bean.

Uncle Jonathan came to hang out with us for the evening, which made the night even more fun for C.
Carson hung out in the cul-de-sac for a bit before venturing out to a few houses for real trick-or-treating.  We did buy Carson some non-allergenic candy like lollipops and Smarties, but she doesn't really like any of it.  So we moved on pretty quickly from Halloween candy, which is just fine with us!

 

 

*Lastly, I just have to mention some of the hilarious things Carson is coming up with these days so we don't forget them and in case you get a kick out of them.  A few of these are a couple months old, but they're worth remembering to us, so here you have them:

--All messes are made by Mommy.  In the grocery store, we can come upon a pile of toppled items in an aisle, and she blurts out, "Mommy made a mess!"  I'm like...uh, I just got here! 

--Her concept of more and less of things has been fascinating.  For example, if she wants the lights to be brighter, she says, "Make it loud."  Or when we went to the cabin, she would ask for the fire to be "more quiet" which I think meant less hot.

--She repeats phrases we say to her frequently.  When asked how she's doing, she replies, "Um, pretty good."  When she's giving her baby dolls a diaper change, she says, "I know, I know.  It's just a diaper change, baby! It's okay!  We're almost done."  She got confused by a discussion Brandon & I were having the other day and said, "What is happening?  I just don't believe it."

--She is becoming more aware of her emotions.  She'll say, "I'm sad at Mommy because I want to play with my puzzle."  Or she'll project what she's feeling onto her stuffed animals:  Doggy is mad because he wants more milk.

--She also continues to be aware of when she is tired and will always ask to go to bed when she's ready.  Just today in the car, she said/whined, "Mommy, hold you (me).  I'm just too tired!"

--Her imagination is beginning to develop rapidly.  She often pretends to be other things/animals. 
A few of my favorite examples:
*She bent her placemat over her head the other day and said, "I'm a tunnel!"
*She wrapped her green blanket around her neck and said, "I'm a turtle!"
*She crawled across my lap with a lot of effort and bending and said, "I'm a slinky!"
It's just too funny how their brains process things.

--When she wants your attention, she'll gently grab your chin, turn your head, and say, "Look Daddy, LOOK!"  She also calls this from across the room when she wants to show you something.

Okay, I think this makes us officially caught up so we can post about *somebody's* upcoming birthday and party (I'm still in denial that it's Carson).  Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Camping

**I'll go ahead and apologize in advance for the ridiculous amount of pictures in this post.  There were too many precious moments to choose just a few!

A few weekends ago, we decided to take an adventure and go camping with some very good friends (Jana, Kim W and Sara) and two toddlers.  The Suskay family was kind enough to let us camp on the land outside their cabin--we decided our first attempt at sleeping outside with the kids might be less stressful if there was backup in the form of a fully-furnished cabin nearby.

The weekend was a huge success, to say the least.  Here are a few things that kind of surprised me...but not really...about our journey.

1. Apple picking is just as fun the second time around.
We returned to Mercier orchards, where we went for birthday celebrations the previous weekend.  Carson was just as entertained as the first time she went--and really, so was I!

2. Brandon functioned great as the only male among a group of 6 women.
He was incredibly handy to have around.  He did all of the heavy lifting involved with camping and cooked all of our meals.  We went camping a few years ago with the same group of adults (before we had any kids), and he was the only guy then too.  I love that I am married to a man who is not intimidated by a group of strong women.  I am also fairly certain Kim's tent would never have fit inside its bag ever again had he not taken control of the situation when we were packing to leave.

3. Moe was in heaven.
As you look through the pictures from the weekend, you can sort of play 'where's Waldo' with Moe, because he was NEVER more than 2 feet from the action.  If he is not in a picture, it is only because he was cropped out as I put it into the blog.  He ran so much his feet were literally bleeding for the next 2 days.

4. The girls slept perfectly in their tents.
This one actually did surprise me.  I wasn't sure how that was going to go, but they both passed out quickly and slept through the whole night.  I suppose that's what running around for a full 8 hours straight does for a toddler...and her parents.

5. We really acted like we were camping.
Okay, so we didn't pee in the Suskays' yard, BUT the bathroom was really the only convenience we used in the cabin. Well, we might have used the porch swing and rocking chairs.  We cooked all our meals over the fire, used our tiny camping pillows and Thermarest mats, and otherwise basically ignored that we were at a house.  I want Carson to know the 'roughing it' way to camp as she gets older.  She's definitely not ready for hiking a few miles into a campsite, but at least she won't think the only way to camp is in an Airstream.

Here are a few of my favorite moments from the weekend:

Carson and Daddy--I love them together!

This beauty, who seems to pose for pictures without being asked.

These gorgeous girls singing Ring Around the Rosies, holding hands, and laughing.  I hope in 30 years they are still finding time to play outside together and sit and stare at beautiful landscapes.

Mommy-Carson time :)

Brandon took the girls for a walk & they returned with flowers for everyone!

Lila and Carson trading hats. They're so stinking cute!

And...believe it or not, there are even more pictures that are not in this post.....

A post of randomness is soon to come!  Haircuts, Halloween, and Hilarity....